Screaming- Just clearing my mind

The last year has been rough for me. I am in no way comparing my struggles to another, because the fact of the matter is, there are others out there in this world that face much harder challenges than I and I dearly pray for them. I honestly don’t know what is expected of me. Not anymore at least. I have been described as such a complex individual that I am simple to understand. That maybe the true, in some areas, but I am very commonly misunderstood. I partly take issue with this with a heavy responsibility that I shoulder alone. It is hard for people to see, respond, react, and judge what they do or don’t see. If I indeed only display a hard outer shell of myself, while of course, protecting the genuine soft inside that I at one moment in time shared with the world, then who are those around me going to know? These last 3 or 4 years have been so difficult. I have often felt as if I have had to face the world on my own. I feared the future, and still do in part. I like the comfort zone of yesterday, or yesteryear. My latest struggles are hard to describe. It is an internal struggle with my faith, as well as a struggle with rejection and value. You see, I really don’t trust many people. If you made me count, including my mother and father, I could tell you I trust 10 people at most and that is stretching it. I can painfully admit that I have an unhealthy habit of hurting others before they hurt me, or just pushing them away before they get to close, or before I let them in too far. Why do I do this? I have been hurt severely. You see, sometimes I just want to SCREAM!! I just want to yell what I really feel, and for people to truly hear it, whether it is FACE to FACE, social media, whatever!. I just want to truly yell what I want to say, but it is hard to do so. Often times, one can easily be labeled as too soft, emotional, or just keep it private or you could turn others off, repel others is what I was told. Is that what true relationships are? You throw people away if they are having a really rough time, and you can’t relate to them? That is awful. I have always been of the mindset, no matter if you are a friend, or a stranger, everyone deserves another’s attention, for no matter how long, no matter how good or bad the situation is, in its nature. Are we so arrogant as a people now, as humans, that we can shed away people who are scared, or have gone through rough patches in life just because we are tired of them, or we don’t want to be bothered? Is that what true friendship is? I don’t want it. I promise, as you read this right now, you are judging the heck out of me, but let me ask you, do you know what I have been through? Have you asked? Maybe if you walked those 5,280 ft. you would. I just went through an ordeal such as this. A person, who I longed for deeply, rejected me. Now, it is to save face and say that it wasn’t because I wasn’t good enough for someone, but the fact of the matter is, if I were good enough for her, I wouldn’t have been rejected. Believe it or not, my problem isn’t with her rejecting me. I knew she would. She wouldn’t give me a serious chance anyway. I knew that from the beginning. I saw the heartbreak coming, and I knew tears would flow because of this, but I had to finally try, and put my heart out there. So I did. And she said no. And it hurt worse than I could have imagined. It stung! The bad thing about it to me was that, if I were another person, another common friend we shared, I would have been. But I wasn’t, and on top of that, I wasn’t considered good enough by her bff. That all hurt, and I never got to tell her face to face that it hurt. By letter, you can never truly tell the tone of how one feels. What was the heartbreaking event for me is that, in the end I said to her, all I want is you, no matter the capacity. Friend, or more, or less, because you mean that much to me. She threw me away. She tossed me away like I was nothing. The one person I never thought would ever do something like that just threw me out of her life. Not only was I not good enough for her on a romantic level, but on a platonic level, she felt the need to throw me away because I confessed to someone finally, that I want them in my life! I valued her opinion, her friendship, her love, her care, and I wasn’t good enough for her to be that. It hurts deeply, even today. How can I forgive someone, who throws me away? How do you throw someone away? How do you do that? How do you hate someone like that? I opened my heart and she ripped it to shreds. I just want to scream, because I want to say what I have been playing over and over in my head to her, to everyone that will listen. I have wanted to bring the house down if you will. But I can’t. If this person, who I thought so highly of, is willing to do this to me, what about others? Hmmm? What are they going to do? I don’t want to show my heart, or be close to many others, if others at all because I don’t trust them, because my value to them is of no worth. That is a struggle that bothers me day in, day out. There isn’t anyone there to listen, she has expressed I have such little value that I am no longer worthy to express my emotion to her, and the world as you know is cold, so what do I do? How do I express myself? How do I learn to love again? How do I show her at least once that I am good enough, on any and all levels? Maybe I need to weigh less, or be brighter, or be more of an intellect, or less of a character. Maybe I need to be another person. The only problem with that, is, I enjoy being who I am, no matter how bad the struggle, or great the joy. I don’t want to be someone else; I just want to be me. And I want to be able to know and trust that no matter my struggles, no matter my pain, my hurt, and no matter how long I display such disdain and pain against the world, you won’t throw me away. Even at my lesser moments. Jesus preaches loving the lesser of our brothers, our faith teaches us to do so, because in the end, no creation GOD has made is less deserving of Love than any other. I need to work on forgiveness, I know. I hope I can forgive her one day, but no matter if I do or not, I am merely her trash. I haven’t and I hope I never hurt someone that way, because as complicated as I am, I have this annoying awful gift to connect, and love people, and I might as well use it, and I would rather have someone smile for a moment with me, than be in heartbreak because they don’t think I am not worthy of their anything. This isn’t really just an internal matter, I am overall happy with me; I just wish things were different. I don’t want to feel as if I resent the world and resent the people I am close to. If I do that, I eventually in essence tell them, they are not worthy of me, and well, that isn’t true. Because they are, and I want to fall in love with people and the world again.


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